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Grief & Loss
Grief and Being a Mother
Lilred18

462 posts

Posted by Lilred18 on Nov 03, 2009 at 05:27 PM

     

I almost don't know where to begin on this. I probably need to be on a therapist's couch.  But instead, I'm just going to ask y'all.

To begin: I come from a family of criers. My father, although he is the manual laborer tough-guy teamster type, is the biggest softy. When my husband called to ask for "my hand", my father started sobbing so hard my mother thought something terrible had happened. Same thing when I called to tell him I was pregnant with my daughter. My mother is the general manager of 4 Hallmark stores, that pretty much says it all. To cope with so much emotion in the room, typically I have not been a "crier" and have had a fairly thick skin. My younger brother is even more poker-faced. I did not cry on my wedding day or at the birth of my daughter, I was just too darn excited, giddy, in fact.

However, ever since I have had a child, practically anything that tugs at the heartstrings, especially anything involving children or mothers, can totally set me off. Today I got news of  the death of a distant acquaintance (she is the close friend of two friends of mine) after a freak allergic reaction and subsequent 7 month hospitalization with extreme complications. What got me is reading the blog and the details of the visits to the hospital by her husband and two year old daughter. I simply cannot imagine what it must have felt like to be too sick to hug your child, just have a tear roll down your cheek as they are leaving the room. Of course I was at work and I have always ascribed to the cardinal rule of never crying at work, so I had to leave the office and hide for a bit. No really, i actually do get work done despite all this reading and crying. 

Not long after my daughter was born I had the fear of  "What if something happens to me before my daughter can remember me and how much I love her?" That was then followed by the even more paralyzing notion of something happing to her. We had to attend a mandatory error prevention class where I work, and the "highlight" of the event was a documentary done by a woman who had lost her 18-month old to preventable medical errors. I had welts on my arm from where I had dug my nails into my arms to keep from crying in front of the physicians I work with.

To top it all off, I lost my best friend since kindergarten when I was a teenager to a car accident on Thanksgiving Day. The first panic attack I ever had was in the car outside of the hospital to "say goodbye". I couldn't make it inside, but I don't regret that. I am glad all my memories of her are of her happy and well. I am sure that colors my feelings surrounding grief, loss, and children.

I had a woman approach me on the playground at Centennial Park Sunday asking me if she could videotape my daughter playing on the play structure for a documentary about parents who have lost children (she had apparently lost a child). I declined because I am overly paranoid about photographs of my child and realize that people use clever ruses for nefarious purposes, but the conversation totally haunted me for the rest of the evening.

So, ever since being a mother, does grief and loss bother you more than it did before you had a child of your own? Are you "more sensitive" since becoming a mother?  Does it get better as you have more children or as they/you age? And if you've made it this far, sorry for the heavy and lengthy post.

 


No woman has ever told the whole truth of her life.

-Isadora Duncan

Replies
22
TAJmy3

1792 posts

by 

 on Nov 04, 2009 at 08:24 AM

  

  

I am screwed!  Thyroid disease, 3 kids I put whole heart/mind/soul into, and sentimental freak.  Oh yes.  Temper and tears are close friends of mine.  :)

Did not cry at children's birth - had 9 months to prepare and was happy (and exhausted), but not teary.

Like Proudmama - no longer will fly without kids with me. 

TV/commerical/radio - depends on hormones, theme, song, etc.  One day it may do nothing and next day I am in hysterics.  Odd.

Sometimes when I have my 3:00am wake up for no reason, my mind wanders to sad things - losing my kids.  Cry self back to sleep. 

Wahhhhhhhh



my favorite little piggies!

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cokercats

540 posts

by 

 on Nov 04, 2009 at 10:57 AM

  

  

TAJ........your thoughts are scarily similar to mine, complete with thyroid disease :-)

No, you're not crazy.   Not that I'm an expert, but I'm thinking that for years you "stuffed" your emotions; ignored them or whatever.   Now with motherhood in the picture you are having normal feelings and fears but the flood gates have opened, so to speak.   You're not used to allowing yourself to give in to emotion and the magnitude of it all is overwhelming........does this make sense at all?

I'm very sentimental but did not cry at the birth of either child.   My first question was "are they okay" and then a sigh of relief.  Now I did cry at the hospital in August after the birth of ds, days later.  They had moved him to the NICU and I couldn't see him because I was hooked up to everything imaginable due to pre-eclampsia.  I think those were tears of frustration mainly.  Or maybe feeling like a bad mommy because I wasn't holding him and taking care of him. 

I almost lost it once I finally did see him in the NICU when that Crystal Gayle song came on that they play during Thursday's babies segment on the commercials.   Teared up again the day I was discharged but ds was still in the NICU.  Hard to leave him there.  But, I suppose that was normal and post-partum hormones played a part.

I think you're normal!! Motherhood is not for the faint of heart!!  Moms are the strongest people I know!  Tears do not make one weak, in my opinion!  It just means you are human.

 

'



Carol

  

Lynn8

2336 posts

by 

 on Nov 04, 2009 at 09:44 PM

  

  

Some of it is the whole "circle of life" idea, too, I think. Why can't our grandparents still be here to enjoy our kids? How long will our parents be around to enjoy them? Will we still be around when our kids have kids or grandkids? All of those kinds of thoughts bring up such deep feelings!



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Michele9

3200 posts

by 

 on Nov 05, 2009 at 09:37 AM

  

  

I think this sums it up best for me:


originally posted by zooey818

...I think those of us raising children have a greater understanding of the value of a human life and the tragedy when someone is lost. That is someone's mom, someone's wife, someone's little girl. ...




Just reading this thread has me struggling to hold back tears. I agree with all of you. I become a blubbering idiot at just the thought of some child suffering or some mother dealing with a suffering child.



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WsMom

1189 posts

by 

 on Nov 05, 2009 at 10:49 AM

  

  

Lynn - I totally agree with you. I have those thoughts often. DS is named for my grandfather and DH's grandfather and it saddens me deeply that DS will never meet them or know and love them as we did.

My parents are leaving next year on a boat trip. They are selling their house and everything in it and will only fly to see us every 4 months or so. I know so many of you only see your family that often or less, but every time I think about it I get really, really sad. And then I feel guilty for getting sad because this is how they are choosing to live out their retirement and they couldn't be happier, but I'm really sad I won't see my mom every 4 weeks or so, and I'm really, really sad they won't be here to do all the fun things with my DS that they've done the past 3 years of his life. Oh well...



Michelle

W's Mom

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LisaEleazer

2321 posts

by 

 on Nov 05, 2009 at 11:05 AM

  

  

Lynn I too get to thinking about my Grandmother alot.  
I was the only Grand Child on my Moms side of the family so I was closer to her than my other Grandmother. Lots of times I think what would my Grandmother say about me having 8 kids. Would she have favorites or would she like them all the same?

Some days I miss sating in her lap talking about nothing.  If you are looking down on me today I love you Grandma.

O.K. I got to go tears are coming.

Lisa



Mother of eight.

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Don't pursue happiness-----create it.

Motherhood wilder than any roller coaster

  

Lynn8

2336 posts

by 

 on Nov 05, 2009 at 11:50 AM

  

  

Sorry for making you cry, Lisa. But now you made ME cry, so guess we're even!



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LisaEleazer

2321 posts

by 

 on Nov 05, 2009 at 02:51 PM

  

  

Lynn it is good to cry.   It think it lets us know that we are alive inside. Makes us better Mothers.

Lisa



Mother of eight.

 MLM  Maniac

Don't pursue happiness-----create it.

Motherhood wilder than any roller coaster

  

JenniferStevens

3824 posts

by 

 on Nov 05, 2009 at 03:10 PM

  

  

Especially when my babies were very small -- 6 months or less -- I'd look at their small, beautiful, fragile-looking heads while they were sleeping and just burst into tears at the thought of anything ever happening to them or at the thought of anyone hurting any child. Part of that may have been postpartum, but I was an emotional mess much of the time.

There are episodes of ER I can't watch anymore.

 



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and editor emeritus, nashville.momslikeme.com

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emiliacw

209 posts

by 

 on Nov 06, 2009 at 10:06 PM

  

  

Most certainly.. I have always been a crier and "bleeding heart" as my brother call me but mos def more so since having a baby.. I remember coming home from the hospital after having her and riding in the car and thinking what if something happens to her and just started balling (my milk came in a couple of hours later :-)



Everyone does better when everyone does better.

  

 

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